Dear Diary, I AM AN ADDICT.

Last month, God told me to end the relationship I was in, delete all of my social media accounts, and begin serving in church. I didn’t understand at first, but now I do! At first, I started craving attention and love. I could not seat still, i was always irritated, so emotional and basically just crying. felt like i was depressed. Then I realized I was an addict! I am having withdrawal symptoms! because all of a sudden, when social media, dating, and haphazardly and carelessly hanging out were taken away from me, the void I had always somehow felt was now magnified. I realized I had become dependent on others for validation in order to feel good about myself or to feel loved or seen. which is all messed up! I am messed up!

If I am being honest, it has been a battle. A quick confession: I signed up for Tinder! And it’s not to meet someone; it’s just to flirt, because I am craving love, attention, and compliments. With all my social media gone and other people’s validations gone, I tried so hard to get my fix that I even discovered omegele.com. which is a site that allows you to talk to strangers. and I ended up speaking to some really weird people. and most of them just wanted to use me. Some were just waving their penises in my face. After those interactions, I felt emaciated and more lonely! I did not get what I was really looking for. There was still an emptiness in me, a desire, a deep longing for something I knew I should get from someone; love. All these things I indulged myself in did not really help me. All it did was just distract me for a bit, and take my mind off the problem at hand, but did not solve it.

But I now realise he called me to this season of singleness to detox and teach me to depend on him for my emotions, validation, and comfort. God is trying to get me to a space where my emotions are independent of human influence and my peace is independent of the circumstances around me. The emptiness I feel that I am trying to fill with online interaction can only be filled by God alone. This emptiness was there even when I was in a relationship. That is why he told me to get the hell out!

So my prayer is that God will save me from myself! May my fleshly desires and weaknesses not lead me down the path of self-destruction and sabotage. I should stop looking for something that only God can give to me from people.

Father, I surrender.

Till next time diary

xoxo- Justy