Dear Diary, it’s my mom’s birthday.

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lets talk about mental health and sanity!

lets talk about mental healthy and sanity!

I am in tears and in awe of God’s grace. For some reason, my mom’s life has always been so difficult. She has always been in constant war. And I believe one of those reasons is that she chose to marry a horrible man. And I heard one preacher say the second worst thing after hell fire is a bad marriage. And I believe it. Just by observing my parents. That’s probably why I have man issues. My mother decided to legally divorce my father in 2021. So she has been going to court and trying to remain sane. And these lawyers are not cheap at all. And they kept postponing the case and so on. At the same time, she was also dealing with her job, finances, disease, and the fact that she had to give up everything she had ever built during her lifetime.

She spiraled into madness. Like literally! Doctors said it was a chronic depressive disorder. We first took her to a mental rehab center, and they said her case was severe, so she was admitted to a psychiatric ward. And when they referred her to a psychiatric center, I was in denial. My mom cannot be going crazy! She just needs some time off from work and she’ll be fine! That’s what I kept convincing myself of. She wasn’t her usual energetic self between the months of April, May, and July 2022.

Diary my mom was like a zombie. The medication slowed her physical movement down and she would just cry and fall uncontrollably. I’ve seen her beaten, insulted, and devalued before, but I’ve never seen her this defeated. She had given up! She asked the doctors to declare her unfit for work. And at some point, when she was locked up in that mental ward… I felt like God had given up on her. I was angry at God. Why would he allow her to become crazy and lose all the battles she has been fighting? Why would God allow her life to end in defeat? So God was just going to abandon her like that?

My mom fought for everyone. Even strangers she saved her children from the evil spittle of their father. And we are all better today because of all her sacrifices. She loves God! So I was really angry at him. So one day, while I was complaining about all this to one of my best friends, he told me something profound. He helped me see a different perspective. He said that, “Instead of feeling like God locked up your mom, you should actually see it like he just took her to an enclosed separate place with the right people so he can work on her mental health, her perception, and spirituality. Without the intervention of an outside force. Instead, you should pray that the angels of God be with her. And just allow God to be God.

So I started to pray for her instead. And to be honest, I realized that praying for her helped me more than it helped her because God was already busy with her. Praying for her removed worry, fear, all the anger and disappointment I felt toward God. It allowed me to just let go and trust God with her life. The situation was beyond my control and it was not my battle to fight.

I remember during that time, I would just wake up worshiping God. Because I knew he was in control. And some mornings, I wake up with the fear that God will not even acknowledge my faith or prayer here, and my mother will not recover. But the holy spirit gave me peace and when I look  back today, it doesn’t feel like it was 4 months God carried my family through.

Anyway, today is August 26th, 2022. She is well. She is back at her job, and it’s her 55th birthday. If I was in control, I could have given up a long time ago. But God is faithful.

This is what I learned: firstly, to cast my burdens to him because he actually really does care for me. Second, mental health is a critical need that I must not overlook. God uses doctors and trained professionals to help his children, and I should trust him to use them. Lastly, even though she has to start from scratch to build everything, she is luckier to have God on her side.

Happy 55th birthday to my warrior woman! Fueled by God’s grace and love.

Until next time, diary. 

XOXO- Justy

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